VC Resources: Email Stress

Email has become a primary portal for work- not just in our professional space but in all of the labors of life from logistics, scheduling and bureaucracy, government and finance, social engagement and organization, current events and social literacy, personal correspondence and connection, and just so, so much commerce and consumerism. When we read our email we deal with stressors from all corners of life but for all the time we spent growing up hearing our parents complain about junk mail and bills we’ve only exacerbated the problem through cheap, instant transmission and on-demand access not just from our bosses but from international fast fashion retailors, mystical penis enhancers and desperate singles in our area.

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Where is my fat bisexual alien goblin king?

Few things make the internet’s collective butthole pucker up with rage more then the idea of fat people… I dunno, existing, let alone having a gender or sexuality of any sort. I’d tell you to check the comments section if you don’t believe me, but no one needs that in their life. Instead, with the help of writer and enby historian Dianna E. Anderson, let’s build a more gender inclusive, fat liberated world.

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Couple's Compassion Massage

For this exercise, imagine that your partner has had a difficult, stressful day. To give them compassionate support you offer them a massage. A massage won't solve their problem, but it may help them to feel better. It doesn't require any special skills, though a bit of practice and training can really help. They may be even better then you at giving massages but it's not really something they can do particularly well for themselves. It's something you offer to them, without expecting anything in return. It's something they generally receive rather than actively participate in and yet it can be challenging for them to lay down and receive your kindness. And, whether you are excellent at giving massages or not, whether you have a ton of experience with their body and their needs in the past or not, you have to rely on their feedback to use the right pressure and strength and to touch them where they need it most. There's no such thing as massaging too hard or too soft, in the right place or in the wrong place, except in so much as you are meeting their personal wants, needs and requests in the moment. 

This exercise will touch on all three aspects of compassion, and can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour or longer, depending on the recipients needs and the givers stamina in the moment. When practicing this exercise it's important to consider titration- start with something manageable and generally outside of the relationship rather then something more sensitive and severe or that might risk triggering both of you. Just like in a massage, one person will give and another recieve. You might take turns or trade places but for now offer this gift freely, without an expectation for immediate reciprocation. Remember that this is about offering them relief and support around their painful aches and stress-filled tensions. 


Step One- Brining mindfulness to the pain

The person receiving the compassion massage will need to take a moment to share their hurt. This step can take as long as it needs to, and consists of describing in emotional detail and re-experiencing a stressful or painful event by the receiver. For the giver, this initial steps includes neither reaction or response, but instead active listening and validation. Once the receiver feels seen, heard and understood they will signal the giver to move on to step two. 

Step Two- Connect to common humanity

The giver offers a series of phrases and responses aimed at helping the receiver move from a place of isolation to one of common humanity. They remind the receiver that all creatures suffer, and that suffering is part of life. That suffering isn’t a sign of being broken or that they are a ‘bad’ human, but rather that they are human, and like all humans sometimes experience pain. And that while their pain and experience is unique, so is everyone else’s, and there are no doubt countless other humans who are experiencing the same thing. The receiver offers feedback and helps guide the giver to their specific areas of hurt and the type of pressure they need. 

Step Three- Loving kindness for the stress itself/ Tenderness for the Pain

Have a conversation about what kinds of nurturance and support might benefit the receiver. It’s important in this step that the couple not work towards any sort of solution or relief tied directly to the problem. Instead this is about offering loving kindness and support during a time of need. 

Step Four-Loving kindness for the stressor itself/ Fierceness for the Problem

This step will vary greatly depending on the nature of the problem but is important to complete every time you perform the couples compassion massage. Whether the giver is able to completely resolve the receivers issue on their own or offer only a few words of support, in this step they do what they can to solve the problem or offer relief. 

Step Five- Offer feedback and gratitude

Discuss the experience, offer feedback and gratitude for the opportunity to love one another in this way. Praise one another for overcoming the challenges of the exercise and offer vulnerability around the areas of lingering tension. 


Bringing mindfulness to the pain

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The Impact of Validating and Invalidating Responses on Emotional Reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163–183.

My time as a therapist, a rich body of research literature and my own relationships all seem to suggest that the greatest barrier to helping one another is, paradoxically, an anxiously urgent desire to help one another. When we find ourselves in pain we all too often rush towards relief without taking the time to connect with or understand the messages those signals of pain are sending. Often when someone we love or even a passing acquaintance reaches out to us for support we rush to solve their problem without taking the time to adequately see and understand or validate their pain.

     In this first step the receiver not only describes their pain but seeks also to verbally process their situation. It’s important they allow themselves to experience their emotions and be willing to sit with any strong feelings this process may evoke. Feeling the sensations of emotion, noting the pit in your stomach or allowing yourself to become upset enough to have shaky hands or flushed cheeks may be part of your process. For that reason it’s crucial that this exercise be practiced mindfully, and with an understanding of titration

Psychotherapy for Your Body: The Role of Somatic Psychology Today

June 5, 2017•Contributed byChris Walling, PsyD, SEP, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert

When coping with painful experiences and traumatic memories it’s important to sit with rather than run away from the unpleasant experiences, but always within the extent of your window of tolerance. Titrate your practice of the compassion massage by working with emotional challenges that aren’t beyond your present moment capacity, especially at first as you become comfortable and familiar with the exercise. The strategies of compassion are meant to create resourcing opportunities, expanding the window of tolerance and empowering your ability to bring mindful presence to areas of pain. Retraumatization occurs when the experience of pain surpass the bodies ability to process with the skills and resource at hand. 

Alexander, P. C. (2012). Retraumatization and revictimization: An attachment perspective. In M. P. Duckworth & V. M. Follette (Eds.), Retraumatization: Assessment, treatment, and prevention (pp. 191–220). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Connect to common humanity

For many people, this step is the most challenging one. For the giver, avoiding efforts to give advice or fix the problem and becoming comfortable with grounding statements and the language of common humanity can be very challenging. For the receiver, maintaining presence and engagement with the process without rushing to correct, defend or refute the giver’s words can be a masterclass in stillness and acceptance. 

For the giver, offer your partner statements connecting them to our shared human experience. These can be general phrases like

  • All creatures suffer

  • Suffering is part of life

  • The pain that you are feeling doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job, it just means that this area is painful

  • Even brilliant, talented and hardworking people experience pain

  • Many people have gone through what you are experiencing 

  • There are millions of people suffering along with you right now

  • There is no doubt that others are feeling what you’re feeling in this moment

  • You are not alone in this pain

As you feel comfortable and as the situation demands consider being more specific in your statements-

  • I’m sure you aren’t the only one who had trouble with this test

  • Many of your coworkers and colleagues have sat exactly where you’re sitting

  • Friends fight, it doesn’t mean that it’s a bad friendship

Or even

  • A lot of us can’t stand your sister either

The receiver may choose to sit in stillness and let these words of affirmation wash over them. It might be tempting to disconnect from the conversation or to mentally argue or psychically scream disagreement. As you can, you may choose to guide your partner to the specific area of hurt with questions that reveal your vulnerabilities-

The Three Components of Self-Compassion

  • Am I a bad person? (parent/friend/employee etc)

  • Am I broken?

  • Am I the only one? 

Try not to correct or ‘fix’ your partners statements but let them know how their words resonate with you and if there is something of significance that you need to hear affirmed out loud. 

Loving kindness for the stress itself

This step requires us to be willing to separate the stress from the stressor. It’s important to remember that many problems in life have no, or atleast no easy, solution. Give yourselves permission to focus on the pain itself, and to offer loving kindness that doesn’t do anything to fix the problem. This might include drawing a warm bath, cooking dinner so that your partner can rest or even just making a warm cup of tea. While it’s true that a neck massage won’t do anything to end an abusive work relationship or solve financial fears it may be an incremental step towards resolving the pain your partner experiences. Work collaboratively to consider what gestures, large or small, might ease some amount of suffering, confident in the fact that it’s okay not to solve the problem or even make the pain go away. Sometimes a little bit of kindness and support is everything we can offer to one another, that doesn’t make it meaningless. 

Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristen Kneff

Fierce compassion for the stressor itself

Have a brief conversation about ways that the giver can help alleviate the problem itself. In many, if not in fact most, situations there will be little the giver can do to solve the problem. They may however be able to alleviate some of the challenges involved by taking on a particular responsibility, intervening on the receivers behalf or even outright taking the burden onto themselves. It’s important here to remember that it is no one’s responsibility, not even the receivers, to solve all of the issues that bring us stress. If no opportunities present themselves invite some curiosity and a flexible idea of the problem to offer any amount, no matter how small, of specific care directed at the issue itself. 

Fierce Self-Compassion: The Yin and the Yang of Self-Compassion —Posted by Marie.Bloomfieldon Dec 1, 2018 to Mindful Path

Offer feedback and gratitude

Having completed the exercise itself take a moment to notice how you both feel. Know that none of the above is expected to resolve the problem itself and is instead meant to offer validation, connection and loving support around only one of life’s many challenges. Avoid criticism or a sense of obligation and consider how your partner can help you to better connect with, love and support one another. Express gratitude for both the effort to connect with one another and the challenge of sitting with or working through difficult emotions. End by taking some time to enjoy each other’s company apart from the problem at hand and give each other permission to find joy and peace, even in the face of challenge. 

Meet Doll Master Ricky

One of our very first ever calls on Secular Sexuality involved a newly opened ‘sex doll brothel’ and a therapist turned podcaster in way over his head. Now years later I’m thrilled to finally dive deep into the soft silicone world of love dolls and human like sex toys. The ethics, the thrills and the sheer ‘why’ness of it all should be an excellent conversation thanks to this week’s guest Doll Master Ricky. Catch the conversation below at 7p CT 9/29 and be sure to check back here afterwards for some footNOTES!

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Big Beautiful World

Eve Was Framed

Sex education seems like one of those fields where it’s all fun and games until you have to explain to someone why their favorite TV show is actually sexist AF. And yes, we like to have a good time, I swear we don’t do this on purpose, but unfortunately, a lot of things in life really are secretly sexist. So we invited a sanity saving social media siren to our secular podcast on sexuality to suss out the shameful and the silly in our unsceptically scrupulous society and hopefully to make a slightly better world. Catch the conversation between Christy and Eve Was Framed as we explore the day to day patriarchy of ‘Man Cave’s and more, plus what’s turning us on this week on SecX!

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On A Date with Phoebe Rose

There are so many taboos and so much malice in the way cis people interact with trans people that it can feel like we’re wholly different species. As part of SecX’s continuing mission to normalize and connect us with a wide variety of sex, body and gender positivity Phoebe Rose returns to the show to discuss her and other’s experience of life and love in a trans body.

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Mastering Masturbation

Over the past few years SecX has spent so much time debunking the myths of masturbation causing blindness and ED and everything else that we may not have taken the time to discuss why we should pretty much all make like educated fleas and do it. This week Sex Coach Shannon Burton joins Kara and I for a conversation about <insert every locker room euphemism ever stated out loud here> and of course your calls and questions.

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The Philosophy of the MPAA

What if I told you that the shame you feel when a condom commercial interrupts the game you were watching with your parents was the result of a shadowy cabal of mysterious industry insiders? Not from the contraceptive industry or the NFL, from religion or even the ‘Big Family Therapy’ lobby, but from the Motion Picture Association of America, a mystifyingly cryptic relic of post war moral panic. This small and secretive organization with a long and difficult to measure reach is the topic of my conversation with Laura Magee and Josh Enter

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Marriage After Faith

Sex is hard enough to talk about in our society without having to actively unlearn decades worth of hokey religions and ancient bullshit. To talk about sex in a marriage founded on a hokey religion while actively working to re-learn and re-construct your sex life- jedi level. This week ExXtian Erin joins Nate and in a conversation about what it’s like to do just that, while doing our best to pass on a few mind tricks and further your training.

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Intention <-> Attention <-> Attitude

Mindfulness is one of those words that can be defined and re-defined so many ways and so many times that it becomes almost meaningless and nowhere near focused enough to give us the sense of purpose we were looking for in the first place. Shauna Shapiro’s Intention + Attention + Attitude model describes mindfulness as a sense of awareness that occurs when all three of the above support each other in focusing on one point. Remember that mindfulness is always a moving target and, if we ever catch it, the mere act of noticing how mindful we’re being shakes us out of it.

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Gender Purity

From seatbelts to power chords there’s an underlying assumption in our society that male goes into female JUST LIKE NATURE INTENDED. We tend to ignore the bees and the bonobos and everyother good goddamn creature under the sun by believing that two complimentary things must go together IN ACCORDANCE WITH GOD’S WILL. Now that we’ve injected a little science to our thinking, what are we left to do with these supposed ideals?

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